you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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