i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
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