Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
