take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
