I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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