they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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