i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
