i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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