Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
