I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I think my fart just growled at me.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
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