eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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