You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
