So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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