It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
