i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
