Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
So many bounce houses so little time
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
