If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
