I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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