They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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