Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
