if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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