why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
