Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
