They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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