Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
