youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
