Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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