my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
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I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
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They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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