something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
