The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
