I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
