I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
