You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
