It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Randomize
