im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
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Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
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But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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