I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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