No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Randomize
