I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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