I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
My life is pants optional.
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