hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
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We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
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you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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