No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
