she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off