i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.