bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
