If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
