We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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