Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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