come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
