what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
