Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
