now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
