is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
