I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
