shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
