Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
smell my finger.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Randomize
