Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
