you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
