Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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