My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
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