Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
